Gerhard awoke to a harsh screeching whine, shortly followed by a metallic voice telling him to rise and shine with all attempts at cheerfulness and personality. He didnt wish to do either, but he at least arose, sliding out of the long tube that was his bed, and closing the hatch behind him.
What time is it? he wondered. Thirteen? That would give him 20 minutes, at best, before they intercepted the convoy.
He mechanically suited up for the run. He dressed bottom to top to avoid getting top heavy in all of his gear. He found his ship easily enough, strapped harness in every which way, and finally placed his oxygen mask on and closed the cockpit.
As the sweet, sterile oxygen filtered into his lungs, he tightly gripped the controls and moved them around a little bit. In space, your reflexes had to be fine-tuned from the start, or you wouldnt finish. He felt nauseated
A command that somehow managed to be both blaringly loud and still have perfect diction brought the tranquil hangar to chaotic life. All pilots report to your craft, as the attack will commence in exactly ten minutes, thirty seconds.
That was the professionalism that existed on the Gyrfalcon. Anywhere else the captain would have been content with The raid will commence shortly, but not Desmond. He was determined to plan out each and every operation of theirs with pinpoint accuracy. He claimed that it separated them from the pirates and mercenaries that were so universal. Nobody openly disagreed with him. After all, he had never failed yet, and no argument is more compelling than success.
The countdown started. Five
four... Hated these raids. Three
two
Come on now, focus! The bay doors flung open and Gerhard felt the world shoot behind him as he rocketed forward, into the void.
He saw the convoy not far off. It was of course, rushing forward at an incredible rate, but since the Gyrfalcon was as well, they both appeared stationary. Nonetheless he couldnt forget just how fast he was moving. The only maneuver that his speed would allow was a sort of awkward barrel roll.
All at once, the convoy sensed their presence. Huge, garish beams of light and death rushed past them in futility. Gerhard gritted his teeth and rolled counter-clockwise, accelerating as he did so.
Gerhard was a good pilot. Some may have called him a little too high-strung, but that didnt stop him from dodging the battery fire and tagging his target, a small freighter with a large combustible present from good old Captain Desmond.
He decelerated rapidly, causing his ship to rush backwards toward the Gyrfalcon. He neatly landed his craft and let out the breath he had taken two minutes ago at launch.
He smiled wearily.














Comments
Just kidding. I'll try not to be harsh.
The biggest issue with this story is the lack of description. There are two major ways to write a story: you can /tell/ the reader what happens, or you can /show/ the reader what happens. Telling is usually inferior to showing-- what would you rather have, someone telling you about something that happened to them or them showing you a video of what happened-- though it has its uses.
We are given no clue as to what Gerhard looks like, what his side's objectives are, anything about the universe in which the story is set, or even very much about the battle.
In addition, you use simple sentence structure a little bit too much, which gives a choppy effect. Many of your sentences are something like He <verb> <object> <nother sentence>, especially at the end. Try mixing up sentence structure and merging sentences to avoid choppyness. Please also space your paragraphs so that there is at least one blank line between each paragraph. You should begin a new paragraph whenever a new person begins to speak or the action shifts; it can be hard to explain.
What you have here is a decent start... but only a story. It feels more like a scenario or scene then a story because it's very difficult to tell a story with as much detail as this one should have with only 472 words (yes, I checked). So here is my advice to you.
#1: Work on the setting. Figure out the basics about the universe (technology, factions, etc). Also figure out how much you want to showcase in the story. Too much and your setting overwhelms the story; too little and your characters are set up against a blank background.
#2: Create a conflict. This will flow from the universe, especially as you seem to have a 'rebel' faction going here.
#3: Figure out who your main characters are and how they will be involved in the conflict.
#4: Figure out where you want to start in relation to the conflict and write from there.
There are so many other things I could tell you... but in the words of the Apostle Paul, 'You need milk, not solid food!' Start at the basics of telling a story-- description, sequence, spelling, and grammar-- and when you have a firm grip upon those then you can learn how to make a mediocre story a great one.
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The Force is my ally.
ExSer!
i was really trying to capture the tense atmosphere before a battle, hence the choppiness. Usually i err too much on the other.
yes the background needs work. they are privateers, not rebels, which is why they try to separate themselves from pirates.
thanks for the comment about gerhard. i honestly forgot to write him a bio.
seriously though, the whole piece started out as a study of how interstellar warfare would work.
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I like art, the finer things, and er... giant flying lizards
I'm a bit confused. There's not much detail... and yet it's a study of interstellar warfare. Oh well, whatever it is, it's a start. 8D
--
The Force is my ally.
ExSer!
i overused declaritive here when i should have used epic and descriptive.
declaritve= bob ran
descriptive= bob liked to run
epic= his temples pounding and his legs pumping, Bob could only hope he wasn't too late.
--
I like art, the finer things, and er... giant flying lizards
--
The Force is my ally.
ExSer!
i like to explain myself overmuch and that tends to give the wrong impression.
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I like art, the finer things, and er... giant flying lizards
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